Eighty Seven Steps
by marchingon
Summary: It took me 87 steps to realize how much I can't live without you." ADDEK oneshot.


AN: Hello everyone! I'm back with another oneshot. This is... nothing, actually. I wasn't paying attention to my professor so I wrote. This is totally uninspired, but I wanted to post it because I was feeling especially giddy tonight. (I turn 18 tomorrow. YEY.) Hahaha. Don't mind this, this isn't meant to be... happy or angsty or touching. :)) This is just me being absolutely bored.

*I own nothing.

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_84.. 85.. 86.. 87.._

_Oh shit._

Derek Shepherd sighed, a wave of guilt washing over him. Tonight was the hospital's prom, and he had left his wife on the dance floor with the hope of new beginnings. And yet, he was there, standing before the makeshift ballroom, feeling like the biggest ass in the world.

Eighty-seven steps.

He cheated on her while she was a mere 87 steps away.

She was standing in her floor length red dress beside the punch bowl. He had no doubt she was wishing it were stronger, considering how alone she felt around the perfect blends of laughter and color in that damn prom. She made every effort to be beautiful tonight.

A feeling of dread washed over him as he walked towards her, suddenly painfully aware that what he did was unforgivable. He was married, and he had no right to screw around as if he were some bachelor. He had a wife, a wife who, for the better part of the last few years, was working her ass off trying to bridge the growing gap between them. And he had failed miserably at giving Addison that chance to keep them together.

When Addison had first come to Seattle, he felt ruthless. He felt as if Addison had single-handedly ruined his life, and he wanted to be vindicated.

_Vindicated. _

He treated her like crap, continued pining for Meredith in spite of Addison's continuous efforts to better their marriage. He took every opportunity to rub the affair in her face. He wanted to hurt her like she had hurt him. But in reality, he didn't feel vindicated, or triumphant, or _even_. Because every time he hurt her, he was hurting himself. And that shindig tonight was his final effort to free himself of the pain, and to retaliate successfully.

But it had backfired, and he felt nothing but _remorse_.

He stood about two yards away from her, affectionately admiring how beautiful she looked tonight. He noted the braids in her hair, the ones he used to love on her. He noted the redness of her dress, the exact shade that would make his mind wander to naughty thoughts. He noted the way her dress cut very low at the back, the way her dresses did when she wanted to feel his warmth. But for the first time as well, he noted the tiredness in her emerald orbs, the dark circles under her eyes carefully hidden by the right amount of make-up, and the wrinkles that started to form on her forehead. For the first time since she came to Seattle, he took a good look at her and saw her loneliness. But he didn't take pleasure in that empty shell of the Addison he used to know. He felt like a jerk, horribly ashamed at knowing that he had contributed greatly to her state. He can admit now, that he had abandoned his wife despite every possible sign telling him not to. He abandoned her and made her feel like a whore, like Satan, like a good for nothing woman. What kind of husband did that? How could he have claimed to love her, but continued to hurt her that way? _A selfish man_. But in all truth, he loved her with all his being that he wracked his brain trying to find a justification for his actions. He found none, and that made him feel worse. He loved her and he couldn't imagine living his life without her.

She felt his eyes on her, going over her every feature as she sipped her punch. She wasn't born yesterday. She was aware of what had happened between her husband and Meredith. When she noticed Finn alone, she put two and two together and she just _knew_. But she was numb. He had hurt her enough to cool her heart and make her indifferent. Sighing deeply, she met his gaze and smiled slightly. She wouldn't breakdown. She didn't have it in her anymore. She wouldn't be weak or vulnerable. After all, she was Addison Forbes Montgomery Shepherd, and she was better than second best. For how much longer she was a Shepherd, she didn't know. But she knew that no matter how much they had hurt each other, she would always have a soft spot for him, and she loved him enough to give him a chance if he ever asked for one. She wouldn't give up, either.

He walked over to her, extending his hand in invitation for a dance. He smiled encouragingly at her, his hand faltering a bit at her hesitation. She sighed, not taking her eyes away from his as she cautiously placed her hand in his and allowed him to lead her to the dance floor

He swayed her gently, reveling in the feel of her in his arms, as if he could protect her from the world. He breathed in her scent, closing his eyes at the overwhelming love that overcame him. He loved Addison, and he would spend the rest of his life showing that to her.

Feeling her shiver against him, he lifted himself a bit and looked into her eyes. "Are you cold, Addie?"

She moved her head slightly. "No. I'm fine."

He nodded and kissed her forehead. "I have to tell you something, Adds." His heart was pounding, his voice quivered slightly.

She took a deep breath and nodded. She pulled out of the embrace and led him away from the dance floor and into the night. She settled herself on a bench, patting the seat beside her. "I know what you're going to say, Derek," she whispered.

He moved to sit beside her. "Eighty seven steps," he said quietly.

She tilted her head in confusion. "Excuse me?"

"Eighty seven steps," he said again, slightly louder this time. He met her gaze. "It took me 87 steps to realize how much you mean to me."

She cocked her head, urging him to go on.

Taking a deep breath, he looked away and stared into the night. "I slept with Meredith this evening," he said quietly, his voice full of regret.

She said nothing. She knew all along. She stared blankly though, feeling the tears prick her eyes. She couldn't be numb anymore. Hearing him say those words hurt her more than she could imagine.

"And I'm sorry," she heard him whisper. Her eyes snapped toward his direction, questioning her sanity at hearing his statement. She wasn't expecting him to repentant.

He turned to face her, looking deep into her eyes. He needed her to see how sorry he was, how much he meant what he was about to say. Tears brimming, "I'm sorry," he said again, stroking her cheek gently. When you first came to Seattle… I was angry… at you, because you had hurt me. I was blinded, and I failed to see my mistakes as a husband." He sighed heavily. It was going to take a lot of guts to say what he was about to. It wasn't like him to lower his pride, but for Addison, he would do anything. "I wanted to hurt you, Adds. Like you hurt me."

The tears in his eyes started to fall unashamedly, and Addison reached up tentatively, wiping the tears away. He reached up and cupped her hand in his as hers cupped his cheek. Leaning into her touch, he continued, "But every time I hurt you, I felt more and more angry and frustrated. I didn't understand at first, but I realized, tonight, that the reason I felt that way was because… I felt your pain too. I was carrying mine, and yours. But I was so angry, so angry that I wanted to feel even." His fists balled, a sign of his self-anger. "But I didn't. I don't. I don't feel even." He looked directly into her eyes. "I didn't feel anything but pain. And you have no idea how much I was to take it all back; to take away the hurt and to take back the indifference so that we could move _forward_. I slept with Meredith tonight because I wanted to prove to you and to myself that I didn't love you anymore."

"Derek—"

He held her hand up, interrupting her. "Please let me finish, Addie." He took a breath and continued. "But I realized I could never prove that to anyone, not to you, not to me, because it's not and never will be true." He paused. "I didn't prove anything Addison; only that hurting you hurt me and that I was stupid to even think that I could ever fall out of love for you. I love you, Addison. I love you and I'm sorry." He started to sob. "Forgive me, please."

Quite honestly, she didn't know how she felt. She didn't know if she was happy, or hurt, or skeptical, or numb. Sure part of her was relieved that Derek was forward, and admitted his mistake. But part of her kept thinking about how he had cheated on her, eighty seven steps away. She was confused. "I don't know what to say," she said finally. "I don't know how I feel. I love you, Derek. I do. And I appreciate your effort to be honest. But I refuse to be your leftover, your last resort. I deserve better, I believe. I am well aware of my screw-ups Derek, but I am paying for it now." She looked at him sympathetically at first, and then determinedly. "So make a choice, Derek. I am not going to stick around forever through bouts of indecisiveness. I want to move on with my life. So tell me now. Do you mean it this time? Are you really going to try? I can forgive you Derek, eventually. But I can only take so much."

He took both her hands in his and held on to them tightly. "I want us to try again, Addie. And I promise that I mean it this time; it'll be different now. I'll be the man you deserve because… god knows you deserve the best."

She looked at him meaningfully. "Promise? No more Mark and Meredith?"

"No more Mark and Meredith," he said firmly. "This time, it's just you and me."

She smiled at him, the first real smile he'd seen on her since he first told her he was trying. "We're an odd pair, aren't we?"

He laughed quietly, wrapping his arms around her. "We are. But we love each other and that counts, right?" He kissed her head affectionately.

"I hope you mean it this time, Derek," she said seriously. "I can't handle any more heart aches. I love you but I'm not a martyr."

"I know you're not. And I'm sorry it took me this to realize just how much you mean to me. I can't handle losing you." He looked into her eyes. "Thank you for this chance Adds, really," he said sincerely. "If you want, we could start over; move away and leave all our baggage here. Just us."

She was thoughtful for a moment. "You'd do that?"

"If it'll make you happy," he said, nodding slightly.

"But it would make you happy too, right?"

He gazed at her and smiled. "Just as long as I'm with you, Addison, I'd be the happiest man on earth."

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It needs a bit more... polishing. But the thought's there. I might fix it up but I think I like it the way it is. BTW: Hold On is still on hold until my hard drive gets fixed. But I promise I haven't abandoned that story. :)) Thank you for reading this even though it's pretty much a waste of time. :)) :)) I just wanted to post something for my birthday:)) :)) Hahahahahaha. :))


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